I Am A Colossal Idiot
I could write a War and Peace-length book about how much I fail as a functional human being.
Take this morning for example. I brought a Fiber One brownie to work and stuck it in the freezer for a snack. It’s never too early for some chocolaty goodness, and I was really craving it by 9. I guess the freezer at work is a lot stronger than mine at home, because the brownie was too hard to eat. “No problem,” I said to myself. “I’ll just nuke it for a bit!”
Not a bad idea, right? Except for the part where I’m a complete moron and thought 45 seconds would do the trick. Yeah, that warmed the brownie alright… and filled the microwave with smoke. Oops.
So after cleaning the kitchen I nearly burned down, I sadly picked at my crumbly, blackened brownie. Then I ate it. It tasted like an ashtray and burned my tongue, but I freaking ate that thing. My tastebuds are still stinging.
The really sad part is that this kind of thing is totally typical of me. It’s truly a miracle I haven’t earned myself a Darwin Award yet.